If I Was Gone
by Ohyesidid
Summary: John spends time thinking if he was gone would anyone miss him or even care if he died. A some what prequel to my story One Foot Forward.


Hello! I do not own Stargate Atlantis or the characters. This is just a little something that came to me and I thought I would put it down. Just a little thinking on John's part. Let me know what you think.

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We were on this planet that looked peaceful and seemed like it would be a milk run as it were. I should have known it wouldn't be that easy, after all it never is.

We had a nice meal with the locals and set up a date to start negotiations.

We were on the way back to the gate when we were attacked and by the way they were dressed it some of the natives that lived in the forest. They came out of the trees just as we had almost reached the gate.

The villagers we had just had dinner with told us about them, that they didn't like new comers. Or the advances in technology and we should be careful on the way back to the gate. He even offered to take us back to the gate.

I refused thinking we could make it to the gate no problem. Man was I wrong, they waited until we were almost to the gate before they attacked.

Ronon mentioned someone in the trees just as I saw movement to my left. Next thing I know I we are pinned down not even fifty feet from the gate.

But once again someone was smiling down on us and we managed to get through to the gate and back in Atlantis. Once I had gotten away from Carson and his team of nurses I made my escape to my room.

I needed some time alone and I needed to get away to think. I have a lot of respect for my team and everyone working in Atlantis. I really do but sometimes I need to think and be alone without being watched.

They think I don't notice them doing it, but there is not a lot I don't see and I let them think they are unseen. Watching me as I walk down the hall after leaving the infirmary or in the mess hall after a long day.

But today I need to be alone and I can't seem to stop myself from having a dark train of thought I have been having lately.

I have been in the infirmary a lot lately and when I wake to see one of my team members by my bed again waiting for me to wake up. I find that I am getting more and more into dark thoughts.

Finally getting to my room, I lay down on my bed and stare at the ceiling for a while. I can hear people working over the radio; I take it out through it on the floor by the foot of my bed.

And it comes back the one thought that has been haunting me for the last year. To be honest it has been my whole life since my mom died, when I was a kid. Today I lost three good men and it came at me in full force.

They were grieved and I grieved for them too and I saw their bodies lying in the infirmary with a sheet covering their bodies.

Would anyone miss me if I was gone?

Would anyone care or miss me if I died and would they cry if I never came back?

Ever since my mother died I have had a less than welcome relationship with my father and brother. I haven't spoken to them in years and I haven't wanted too. Which is why I change my emergency person on my medical files.

So that if something happened to me, they wouldn't have to deal with the arrangements. Leaving it up to the military, I wish I could feel better about the whole thing.

When I told my father and brother that I was joining the Air Force it exploded into a huge fight to which we never had before. I walked out to my father's angry words into the arms of the Air Force; Dave tried to stop me by telling me I was being irrational and to stop being a child.

Since coming to Atlantis I have been almost killed many times over. If I died I know my father and Dave would put me in the ground like some sort of family obligation. Washing their hands of me once the dirt is thrown back in.

But would they care that I had died or care why I was now lying in the ground. Or would they just be disappointed in me one more time.

As I haven't seen them in close to fifteen years I really don't know, and as I am a Colonel now, I would like to think they would be a little proud.

I don't know why it bugs me so much that they might not care. After all I haven't really thought about them or what they would think in some time.

Maybe when I go back to Earth for the next briefing and see them. Maybe finally settle this debate in my mind, so will finally know if they would miss me if I died.

I know my team would, if there sitting next to my bedside is any indication and their coming back to me get me on many occasions. I know I would miss them if anything happened to them, but I know things are different.

Rodney would be the most vocal about it, I would think and I know he would be upset. He would probably stop sleeping and would live in the labs until someone pulled him out.

He will work non-stop and most likely lose a lot of weight, but I know he is stronger than he looks and will be okay eventually.

Ronon would never talk about it; he is a strong but silent guy. Like me in a lot of ways and I know from past experience that he will lock it up inside until he breaks down. And I know he will not be alone, that the others will be there for him.

I know Teyla will take it the hardest, and also know that she will carry on and make sure everyone else does too.

She is the most level headed of us all and I know she will not only miss me but make sure everything I have worked for lives on.

I have had a long career with a lot of mistakes but I know that I did some good too. What would my men think and the scientist would they care. Over the last few years I like to think I have made a difference in their lives.

That no matter what would happen I would be missed. If I want to be honest it has always been on my mind and it comes back every now and then.

Will I be missed and will anyone care if I die? Who will remember me?

I am going to Earth in a few months to brief the SGC on Atlantis and how we are doing. Maybe I will stop by and see my father and brother, maybe try and talk to them.

It has been almost fifteen years since I walked out and was told to never come back. I know my father is still alive and both are doing well. I have some old friends who feel like I need to know these things.

When I hear a knock on my door I can't help but feel a little better. I don't even get up as my door opens and Rodney walks in. I'm not even mad as I look at him and see him tap his watch impatiently and I know if nothing else.

I will be missed by these people and I know I am making the right choice in going back to Earth.

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Just a little something having a day in my head.


End file.
